Shaken

In about an hour my boys and I are going to sit down here in our living room.    We gather together every night for family prayer.    However, tonight I have to sit and explain to them something I don't quite understand myself.    

Last night, we piled in our car and went up to Big Guy's best friend's house.   We stood in his front yard with his family and friends from our church.    We poured out our hearts to God in prayer on behalf of Cade.     Cade was scheduled for tests this morning to see how he was doing in this journey called cancer.     He has been on Plan B of his treatment regiment.    It has been so brutal on his body.    

I couldn't sleep last night.   I literally prayed Scriptures over Cade all night long.    I walked, prayed, cried and literally just begged God to give Cade some answers... some relief.

This morning Cade went in for his scans.    This afternoon the doctors called.     The MRI of the brain showed no cancer.      However, the CT scans showed that those tumors had not changed and to further evaluate means biopsy.    The prostate tumor seems larger.    The doctors will meet tomorrow to talk about Plan C. 

What?  Why?    I am not ashamed to admit it.   I stomped around the house this afternoon.   I literally threw a temper tantrum asking God "Why?  Why?  Why?"     I was just so mad.   Then I sat down and cried buckets of tears.

While talking with Cade's mom I told her, "If faith is knowing God can do something whether He does it or not then we have a LOT of faith."     We all have no doubt God CAN heal Cade.   We just don't know why He isn't choosing to right now.

So here I am.   Wondering.  Pondering.    How am I going to explain all this to my boys when we sit down in just a little while when I don't understand it myself?

I feel a little shaken, but thankfully I have no doubt I am still standing on the Solid Rock.

(If you want to follow Cade's journey:   http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/cadeainsworth)