Wednesday, June 4, 2008

Redneck Advice Column (Part 1)

Hey Gertie,

I've been looking at the Sears Roebuck catalog. Did you know thongs come in small, medium, and large, but no XX large. Why is that? I dug out my old two piece bathing suit and tried it on and do you know what? It's a thong now! I'm in style. Panama City here I come. See, it pays to save those outgrown clothes. My husband said I would never wear that again. He's in for a surprise. Do you think a tattoo would enhance my thong? Can I use one of those washable stick-ons? What should I get? Any suggestions?

Ruby Pearl

Dear Ruby Pearl,

Sadly, I've noticed that thongs don't come in X-large sizes. I'll bet the reason behind this is that a bunch of Northern fellers are designing those thongs. Get a Southern boy in that Thong Design Room and you'll get a thong to fit the roundest and prettiest rump. As far as enhancing your thong experience, a tattoo could give your rear end a real boost. Since tattoos are permanent, you should probably go for those temporary tattoos or those nice stick-on thingies you can get five for a dollar down at the Dollar General Store.

What to place on your plump posterior? Here are my top choices:

A big black #3 (in honor of Dale Earnhardt Sr)
Dale Earnhardt Sr's autograph
"NASCAR" banner
"Lynyrd Skynyrd"
"Braves #1!"
"See Rock City"
"Pork Fat Rules"


Confessions of A Mississippi Mom said...

ROFL!!! Ummm mine would be "two ton honey bun" :)

From the Doghouse said...

Don't forget the cigarette defying gravity by just sitting on the edge of your lip!

black betty said...

you could always get "i love mom..." ;)

Sara said...


Supermom said...

Well, you can get XL thongs at Vic Secrets because I come home with THREE last weekend!

I was steaming mad because that is NOT the sizet I told the "helpful" girl thata insisted on getting them for me.

I just trusted her, grabbed them, paid for them and left. Got home, pulled them out the next day and let the bad words fly.

Waste my gas for you mistake to return them....

oh wait... that was NOT the intent of your post. My bad. Sorry... I go off on tangents for no good reason.

Deanna said...

It is always good to vent!

HEATHER said...

You can get the big thongs at Lane Bryant.
Did you know at Dale Earnhardt Jr. is listed as the Redneck Jesus?

Miss Mud Puddle said...