Redneck Advice Column (Part 2)

Dear Gert,

My husband, Ernie, told me last month that I needed to get some color to my White Lilly body. So, I started going down to Donna's House of Hairdos, Nails, and Tans to lay in one of those sun tanning beds. Well, since I have been blessed with my Mama's big butt, there are certain areas of my backside that the tanning bed can't seem to get to. Ernie laughed at me and said that it looks stupid in the new thong that he loves for me to wear. How can I get that part of my backside tanned?

Thanks,
Lula


Dear Lula,

I know what you mean. The creases near my armpits and the crease where my rear meets my thighs is several shades lighter than the rest of my tan. What to do? Since it sounds like you have a tanning bed and not a tanning room, try using some duct tape to hold the top part of your butt up so that the tanning rays can get to those sweet little creases at the top of your thighs. If you don't have any duct tape, then when you go to lie down, slide down a bit on the glass so that the white part of your butt is exposed. Don't forget to use sunscreen - having sunburned butt crease really hurts.

Gertie